England: First Impressions

Your intrepid foreign correspondent on this far-off island shrouded in mystery

The first thing you will notice when you arrive in Britain is that everybody here is British. It’s certainly the first thing I noticed. Everyone runs around saying “crisps” and putting silent Us in random places: highly distressing behaviour.

The second thing you will notice is that the tap water tastes really weird. This is particularly difficult to swallow (sorry), and will take getting used to. But once you have overcome these initial shocks, you’ll be able to appreciate some of the subtler curiosities and customs of this sceptred isle.

Doors

The English have adopted the technology of the automatic door, but they treat it very differently. In the States, the automatic door is a convenient friend to the disease-fearing and the weak-armed (your correspondent is both). In England, however, the automatic door is almost never used; as signage indicates, ordinary door-users may not approach the automatic door, but must “keep clear”. This creates an aura of glamour and mystique about the automatic door, in keeping with its magical ability to open without being pushed.
Brits will, however, have the chance to witness the rare usage of an automatic door quite soon: as he enters Westminster Abbey on May 6, the soon-to-be-crowned Charles III will approach and pass through the famed Coronation Door, through which every monarch has passed since Edward III’s 1327 coronation.

Social Distancing

In England, social distancing guidelines enforce the minimum legal distance between a man and a woman. The official policy is known as “No Funny Business!”

Aging

Now, the English are certainly ahead of us in some respects, and this is one of them. The average American attitude to the aging woman is dismissive and disrespectful, but English cosmetics firms know better: they say to the menopausal woman, “Why should your younger sisters have all the fun? You, too, deserve to be manipulated into spending money on ineffective products that you don’t actually need!”
And they’re not just paying lip service to their lofty ideals. N°7 rounded up 7,000 menopausal women to work on their line of menopause skincare. Imagine the logistical headaches involved in getting all those ladies together and managing the thermostat in that office.

America

Britons are not forgetful of our shared history, but they do remember a slightly different version. Note the above painting, which your correspondent saw in a restaurant named after the Marquess Cornwallis, who led the British troops in their surrender at Yorktown. You’ll observe that the British soldiers, in their dashing red coats, wield the green “good-guy” lightsabers, while the rebellious traitors are armed with the traditional Sith lightsaber.